Little Lion Man
by Sanwall
Summary: "When Kirk said, 'Hey, the smartest person I know is a whore' logically, no one assumed he was talking about himself." Based on a challenge on Livejournal's Kirk/Spock Slash Community.


This is based on a challenge posted by** ladykeeran** over at the_ Kirk/Spock Slash Community_ on Livejournal. The challenge was to take the quote: "So when Kirk said, 'Hey, the smartest person I know is a whore!' Logically, no one assumed he was talking about himself." and run with it.  
>This is my run.<p>

Rated **T** for references to unpleasant sex, but nothing explicit. Oh, and slash, because hello, it's _Kirk_ and _Spock._

Star Trek does not belong to me, nor does any of it's characters. The title and lyrics are from a song called Little Lion Man by Mumford and Sons, I recommend it warmly (and it's not mine, obviously).

::**edit**:: A couple of readers had trouble reading this in it's original format (silly _ff . net_ messing up my spacing, grrr!), so I've put quotation marks instead of dashes to mark the dialogue.  
>If someone really liked the original version, just message me and I'll be happy to send it to you. I hope it's easier to read now! ^^ ::<strong>end edit<strong>::

Now, to boldly go...

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><p><em>Weep for yourself, my man,<br>You'll never be what is in your heart  
>Weep little lion man,<br>You're not as brave as you were at the start  
><em>

"Just what I'd expect from a stupid whore like you!"

The whole bridge froze at the comment. The man who had uttered it, Lieutenant Stiles, blinked at the sudden stillness.

Captain Kirk had given Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant Sulu the shift off, and the navigation and pilot station were occupied by Lieutenant Malone and Lieutenant Stiles.

Malone's blue eyes had widened and she seemed incapable of responding to the sudden insult.

"Lieutenant Stiles," Kirk said calmly, voice sharp and cold as ice. "There is no room for chauvinistic prejudice on this bridge. You're confined to your quarters until further notice."

When nobody moved, Kirk half-rose from his command chair and snapped:

"Now!"

Stiles almost tripped over his own feet in his hurry to exit the bridge. In the stunned silence that followed, Lieutenant Malone piped up.

"Thank you, sir."

Kirk flicked his hand dismissively as he sat back in his chair and almost instinctively swiveled towards his First Officer, who met his blue gaze and gave a slight nod in approval.

Kirk had been a Starship Captain for almost a whole year now, and he still sought the stoic Vulcan's affirmation that he was doing the right thing. He had come to trust Spock with his life on more than one occasion, and he knew the Vulcan had trusted him with his – something he never thought would happen even though Spock's older counterpart had insisted otherwise.

Now he looked at the firm half human, half Vulcan man with fondness, taking in the sharp features, dark eyes and pointed ears with something resembling appreciation. He teased Spock relentlessly, of course, and Spock responded with his characteristic dry wit, and sometimes, just sometimes, their banter came dangerously close to flirting.

Kirk was interrupted in his thoughts by Spock's deep, calm voice, which broke the somewhat uncomfortable silence that had followed Stiles' departure.

"I have never understood the reason for most humanoids' tendency to use that particular derogatory term. It is curiously common."

The Captain shot him another glance. Spock's expression was as impenetrable as ever, but Kirk could see that he had tensed. Something about the matter troubled him.

"Prostitution is also common," Kirk replied quietly, pulling a hand through his short and unruly blond hair. "And it's not many cultures that view it as something good."

"And there's so much more than prostitution, the act of selling sex, associated with the word 'whore'," Uhura commented from her station and turned around in her chair. When most eyes on the bridge turned toward her and somebody made an interested sound, she hesitantly continued.

"It's used to mark someone who lets herself - or himself - be used. It's someone who is dishonorable and does morally unjustifiable things, and that strikes a chord with most civilized people. Nobody wants to be doing something they can't justify. Nowadays it's also used as a synonym for worthless and stupid."

Lieutenant Malone nodded at that with a rueful expression.

"Hey," Kirk interrupted with a grin. "The smartest person _I_ know is actually a whore."

His levity dissolved some of the tension on the bridge; he was well aware of all the (false) rumors that circulated of him having visited brothels all over the quadrant.  
>The only person who noticed that the grin was slightly forced and that the Captain's sky blue eyes seemed to cloud over for a moment, was Spock.<p>

_Rate yourself and rake yourself,  
>Take all the courage you have left<br>Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head_

Kirk closed his eyes and leaned back in his command chair, hand unconsciously rubbing the bridge of his pointed nose. His comment was meant to lighten the mood, but it had brought unbidden memories to the surface.

_ Iowa. Jim loved that place, the vast cornfields and dusty roads: it was home. But at the same time, he hated it. It was the place that trapped him, he could never escape the memories of his absent mother and brother, the sheer loneliness of his existence there._

_Jim wished he had memories of his father, just like George had. Someone he could look up to, someone he could feel appreciated him. But no, his mother avoided him because he reminded her too much of the father he'd never met, and Frank, well, let's not even get into that. Jim knew he couldn't handle it yet._

_But appreciation Jim sought, and he found it in the bars and clubs where his good looks and mask of cool confidence usually fooled people into thinking they wanted him. Dancing, fervent kisses, touches and hands everywhere, then a secluded place, sometimes even a nightly visit to someone's home, that all had to substitute as affection for Jim. It worked for the moment: but when the alcohol had evaporated and when he had come down from his shallow orgasm-high, then he felt filthy._

_ He'd take his bike for a ride, wishing that the speed would peel of the patina of humiliation that covered him. He'd known that all he did was sell himself to any woman or man that would take him, even though it might not be apparent to anyone else than himself._

_ Never mind that he, as Captain Pike had put it, was the only genius level repeat offender in the Midwest: Jim knew he had the brains to do anything he wanted, go anywhere he wanted, but he also knew that he didn't deserve any of it. So that's why he had stayed in Iowa and ended up at a bar and in somebody's bed night after night. That is, until he tried to hit on a gorgeous African-American and got his ass handed to him by a couple of cadets and somehow found himself in Starfleet._

"The smartest person I know _was_ a whore," Kirk mumbled to himself under his breath before his eyes snapped open and his hand slammed down on the armrest and he was as determined as ever to be the best Captain in the 'Fleet.

Spock glanced at the young man from the corner of his eye before he turned back to the science station, wondering why the brief pained expression on Kirk's face, quickly erased by his usual resolute face, had made his stomach knot together.

_Tremble for yourself, my man,  
>You know that you have seen this all before<em>

"I hope you realize the importance of the situation, Captain Kirk. Starfleet's resources are strained as they are."

Admiral Komack's face stared sternly at Kirk from the viewscreen in the conference room.

Kirk nodded, his face just as stern, though he had to grit his teeth so as to not lash out at the Admiral's obvious infantilizing of his abilities.

"Rigel XI has vast supplies of dilithium crystals, which they need assistance mining," the Admiral continued. "And if we don't convince them that Starfleet is their best option-"

"Admiral, I am aware that we're in desperate need of these supplies," Kirk interrupted, careful to keep his tone polite. "I'll do my best to make them realize the benefits of an alliance with Starfleet."

"No, Kirk," Admiral Komack said gravely. "Not just your best. Do _everything_ and _anything_ you have to."

Kirk paused for just a moment and then replied drily:

"That an order, Admiral?"

"Yes. Admiral Komack out."

The screen dimmed and left Kirk staring at it.

The rest of the assembled officers stirred (with the exception of Spock: he never _stirred_) and Kirk stood up, clapping his hands together.

"Well, looks like Starfleet's given us free hands," he said with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "Let's make the most of it."

After the briefing, they all exited the room, except for Kirk. Spock hesitated by the door, and then let it slide close before him. He turned back towards the Captain, hands clasped behind his back. Soon enough, Kirk lifted his gaze and met Spock's solemn eyes.

"Something the matter, Mister Spock?" he asked softly.

"I believe I could put forth the same query, Captain," Spock answered with a blink. It was not a flirtatious wink, and most people would have missed it. Kirk, however, was not most people, and the strangely human gesture made him smile.

"No, everything's fine, Spock. Just pre-mission jitters, you know."

Spock inclined his head.

"Your mission record is quite excellent, Captain. I do not believe you have cause to worry."

"Thanks, Spock, it's sweet of you to say so." Kirk couldn't help the flirty tone and corresponding grin; Spock just made it too easy. He felt his smile widen.

"I merely meant that I shall be accompanying you there and keep you from violating regulations, as you have been known to do on occasion," was Spock's even reply.

The comment made Kirk chuckle helplessly. Spock was _teasing_ him.

To quote the Science Officer himself: Fascinating.

"Hey, Komack explicitly told me to do what I had to, no regulations mentioned," he retaliated as he rose from the seat, now a calculating glint in his blue eyes.

"Nevertheless, Captain, following regulations is expected."

"Of course, Mister Spock. I'll trust you to keep me on the right side of regulations, then?"

"As always, Captain."

_Tremble little lion man,  
>You'll never settle any of your scores<em>

Kirk and his accompanying men had been graciously invited to dine with the leading members of the community, and since they were all human (again, with the exception of Kirk's First Officer) the food was no problem. Spock sat at his left and to his right sat Morna Selwol, a woman who Kirk suspected was the brains behind the whole operation here at Rigel XI

It went without saying that Kirk perhaps smiled a little wider than usual and that Kirk perhaps allowed his hand to brush Morna's a little more often that was necessary; but it was all for the mission. If she liked him, then she would be more inclined to listen to what he said.

When the dinner neared its end, Morna leaned closer to Kirk. She smelled pleasantly, and her voice was husky and low when she whispered into his ear:

"I trust you'd like to join me for some… private negotiations later, Captain."

Before the startled Kirk had the chance to politely decline, she stood up and tapped her glass to get everybody's attention.

"We thank out honored guests for their presence here tonight, and we shall look forward to future co-operation with Starfleet. Now, I'd like to ask everyone who feels inclined, to step up to the dance floor and have some fun."

Applause and cheering followed her short speech, and several people, local as well as Enterprise crew, moved towards the open area where music already filled the air. Morna looked like she might join them, but after a brief touch to Kirk's hand, she bared her teeth in a meaningful smile and left the luxuriously decorated dining area.

Kirk stared after her. His whole body had tensed and his fist had curled so that his nails were biting into his palm. Admiral Komack's words rang through his mind relentlessly - Do _everything_ and _anything_ you have to…

He turned down his gaze, to the half eaten meal on his plate. He might not do it conventionally, but he always fulfilled his mission.

James T. Kirk, the poster boy of the Federation, the man who had saved Earth, _would_ do anything to complete his mission. He wouldn't, _couldn't _fail. If he did, he wouldn't be worthy of his position, of the admiration of his crew, of the trust that Starfleet so graciously had given the young, reckless and inexperienced Captain.

Kirk got to his feet as well, but another touch on his still balled fist made him stop. It was Spock. Kirk was surprised at the contact; Spock wasn't usually one to ignore personal space, or give up his own.

"Captain, what are you intending to do?" he murmured, tone neutral. But Kirk thought he detected a hard edge in it, something that almost sounded… anxious.

"What I have to," Kirk answered, unconsciously relaxing his hand at the touch. "Don't worry, Spock. I'm good at improvising."

And smiling with a confidence he didn't have, Kirk left Spock at the table, although he felt his heart break a little. The Vulcan didn't let go of the young Captain with his eyes before he exited the room. And even then, Spock's dark gaze seemed fixed on where he had disappeared.

Kirk hadn't thought of the fact that Vulcans are touch telepaths: Spock knew full well of the inner turmoil he experienced. And Spock was berating himself for not knowing what ailed his Captain, nor did he know how to help him. And even though he didn't know it himself, it did also break Spock's heart a little.

_Your grace is wasted in your face,  
>Your boldness stands alone among the wreck<br>Learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck_

Jim had exchanged the appreciation of strangers in bars for the appreciation of Starfleet, but in the end nothing had changed. He was too smart for his own good. He knew that selling himself would give him what he wanted-no, what _Starfleet_ wanted. So that was why he found himself in Morna's rooms, making himself believe he didn't mind her touching him and kissing him and making love to him.

What was really disconcerting, Jim realized afterwards, was not the usual feeling of being somehow sullied, it was that he didn't want to look Spock in the eyes. What if he couldn't look Spock in the eyes? He had done something morally unjustifiable, something stupid and he felt completely and utterly worthless.

Well aboard the Enterprise with the signed treaty with Rigel XI already sent to Starfleet, Jim went straight to his quarters and took a shower.  
><em>I'm still a whore<em>, he thought, allowing himself to crumple under the stream of cold, replicated water, _it's never going to change._

_But it was not your fault but mine  
>And it was your heart on the line<br>I really fucked it up this time  
>Didn't I, my dear?<em>

Spock found his Captain on Observation Deck 3. He stood with his hands clasped behind his back, staring at the vast galaxies of stars that slowly, almost leisurely whirled past the wide window.

"Hey Spock," Kirk said quietly without turning around. Spock did not question how the Captain had known it was he who entered.

"Everything OK on the bridge?" he continued as Spock positioned himself by his side, mimicking his posture.

"Everything is proceeding as it should, Captain."

Kirk lowered his head as if nodding, and then cast a sideways glance at his First Officer, but refrained from saying anything further. Spock allowed himself to enjoy the companionable silence for a moment, before he too lowered his head and said:

"Captain, it has not escaped my notice that you have displayed signs of dejection ever since the mission on Rigel XI. As it was successful, I have not been able to discern the motivation behind this."

A short, humorless chuckle escaped Kirk's full lips.

"You should know, Spock, that human motivations often aren't logical."

"Is there anything I might do to assist?" Spock continued, calmly sidestepping by Kirk's remark.

Kirk shook his head, an almost remorseful expression on his face.

"No, Spock, it's just me and my issues. I'll get over it soon enough."

"I have been led to understand that it often assists humans to deal with issues, as you put it, if they are given an opportunity to share them with another person," Spock said, wording his reply carefully.

Kirk turned slightly, looking decidedly surprised.

"Are you... You want me to do the whole sharing and caring-thing?"

Spock inclined his head slightly.

"As your First Officer, it is my duty to assist you in any way that I am able."

At this, Kirk's shoulders slumped a little, and he closed his mouth, leaning back.

Spock took in his body language in one glance, and since he was half human after all, added:

"And I am also your friend, Jim. I do not want to see you troubled."

The surprised look made a comeback on Kirk's face, this time combined with an ever so slight upturning at the corner of his mouth.

"Well, I'll be damned," he muttered softly, turning back to look out the window.

Spock waited patiently until Kirk saw fit to continue.

"It's just that, well, deep down I don't feel like I deserve any of this. My captaincy, my crew, the adoration from complete strangers…"

He paused, looking down again before adding with a somewhat hoarse voice:

"You."

Spock gave no comment, but his hands tightened behind his back.

"I'm just a human, and not a very decent or nice one. I'm… I can be so _arrogant_, and then people die because of me. But nobody seems to care, because, hey, he saved the world once, he must be some kind of great hero."

His voice remained steady, but his tone grew husky.

"And I try, I try to live up to everybody's expectations. But as it turns out, it doesn't make me a hero. It just makes me… It makes me a whore."

Kirk suddenly turned away from the window, but before he could make his was to the doors, Spock laid a warm hand on his elbow.

"Captain," he said in a low tone. "Jim. I will not pretend to know what merits as a true hero, but I know for a fact that you are neither worthless nor dishonorable."

For a long while, they stared into each other's eyes, dark brown locked with vivid blue.

Then Kirk moved, slowly, so as to not scare Spock away. He put his cool hands on Spock's shoulders, at the base of his neck, and then he expressed his affection and gratitude the only way he knew how: by putting his lips on Spock's and gently kissing him.

Spock had no objections. Instead he tightened his grip on Kirk's elbow and let his other hand curl around his neck and their kiss deepened.

For the first time, Kirk really and truly did feel that he was worth something. And for the first time, he kissed someone without feeling that he was doing something wrong.

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><p>Thank you for reading!<p>

I'd love to hear comments and constructive criticism. If you read and review I will adore you forever (and, who knows, maybe I'll even write more) :)


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